That last part describes a pretty rational process. Did I mention I worked with college students?

My point, and I do have one, is that the pressure my students felt to make The Right Decision was immense. Enormous. Gigantic. And I often felt as though no matter what I said, they were still going to stay up half the night talking and texting and Facebooking in desperate attempts to figure out the perfect solution to whatever problem they had convinced themselves was just about to ruin their life.

Until the day I said to one student, in the car, at the intersection, on the way back from Starbucks yet again: “The good is not the enemy of the best.” 

I’m pretty sure I remember her making a kind of violent movement after I spoke that phrase out loud. She jerked towards the window in a gesture I thought might indicate her opening the car door to jump out en route, but she didn’t do that. Instead, she sat back in her seat, inclined her head, and said what I consider to be the money phrase: “I guess I never thought of it that way.”

 And then we were off and running.

 I knew our conversation was meaningful for her, but I didn’t actually realize what an impact that one phrase had had on her until a few years later when we were catching up over lunch. She was talking about that particular period of her life that she had been in during our trip(s) to Starbucks, and she told me that the phrase “The good is not the enemy of the best” had totally transformed her perspective. In her words, it had given her “room to imagine that there were possibly more options- and more definitions of success- than I had previously believed.”

Well, gosh, you’re welcome.

Obviously, the phrase “the good is not the enemy of the best” did not originate with me. I can’t even remember where I first heard it. But I do know that it had a similar effect upon me when I realized what it meant; that I didn’t have to mysteriously and flawlessly arrive at my perfect future, fully formed. That I could give myself room; that there was room, big swaths of green grass and wide open halls that echoed with possibilities. That these alternatives didn’t have to overwhelm me but rather released me from the burden of picking the one and only ideal option in the shell game of life after college.

 The trick, you see, as I and my student(s) learned and continue to learn, is that sometimes, to be committed is enough. Of course it matters what I am committed to; we must commit ourselves to those things which are understood to be good and healthy and true and noble and pure and admirable. Many of us make commitments and fail to achieve perfection through them; very few, if any, achieve perfection without commitment. 

Therefore, today and as many days as necessary going forward, I choose commitment. I will align myself to something or someone that, in my estimation, will lead me farther down the path I want to be on, and feel called to follow. And, if I take a wrong turn or meet with disappointment, I will remind myself that mistakes and correction are all part of the process. I will be grateful that I’m not paralyzing myself with my compulsion to do it perfectly, and I’ll feel the gratification that comes from knowing I’m doing it at all.

 Lead Your Life.

“It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.”

Theodore Roosevelt, “Citizenship in a Republic,”
Speech at the Sorbonne, Paris, April 23, 1910

This month’s “Once Upon A Time” is from my former student and now friend, Kristin. I don’t want to give away too much so let me only say that Kristin is one of those contagiously courageous people who raises the level of everything she touches. Her transparency and vulnerability are admirable, and her husband is extremely stable. So, win-win. Enjoy.

“Have you seen the chickens’ watering container?! It is so disgusting!” I tromp into the kitchen exasperated after catching up on chores.   I just finished my first day as a college professor.  “I  tried to hose off all that green algae grossness and it is caked on there.  We need to get a new one.  Oh and it was a five-egg day.”

As I place the eggs in a carton, marveling once again at their different shapes and sizes, I hear a snicker from the stove.

Nate, my equal partner and devoted spouse of over six years is the culprit.  As he stirs ratatouille with veggies he just picked from the garden, he turns to me, “I wish I had a tape recorder. Did you ever think you would say something like that? Ranting about chicken water and eggs. Did you think this would be our life?”

We both start laughing at this weird reality we are fully entrenched in now.

If someone had shown me the coming attractions to my life a few years or even  months ago, I would not have believed it.  I would have deemed it a hilarious, tragic, fictitious comedy.

Many little steps led to the present, but a huge shift happened just a year ago.  I had been working at a university when I found out there was some re-categorizing happening. I would be getting a “new” job, which was exactly the same as the one I held for the past five years.  However, it came with a sizable pay cut.

I had been thinking about leaving my job which had not presented many new growth opportunities in the way of responsibilities for the past couple years.  I had just published a book, and our “garden” was beginning to be bigger than, well, a “garden.” Ideas swam in my head all day, looking for a home in a blog or essay.  Meanwhile at our actual home, weeds called out to be pulled, seeds whispered to be planted and chickens squawked to be fed.

I needed to figure out what I wanted to say and what I wanted to do.  However, more importantly, another layer of who I wanted to be desperately needed my attention.

Our life had shifted, but I was reluctant to move from a spot I had grown so comfortable in. The culture I was accustomed to told me I was supposed to settle down, be grateful for what I had been given, and enter a predictable routine. However, one conversation changed that.

“Have you thought of a PhD?” It was the voice of my spiritual director.  I call her Yoda.  She doesn’t know this. Her advice almost always comes in the form of genius nuggets of  wisdom or completely intoxicating questions that leave me pondering for days.  I wasn’t used to this kind of directness as I ranted on the phone about my belief in God and the journey of my true self.

“Um, I think I’m too young,” I respond being caught off guard, trying to squelch this idea before it gained any ground.

“What do you want – if you could visualize it – what would it be?” Again she was direct, but I went with it, yearning for some kind of direction.

“I guess I would want to teach, write, maybe have kids, and work on our homestead,” saying it out loud seemed so scary. I wanted a simple life.  Simple meaning: understanding where our food comes from, enfolding children into a bigger legacy, and knowing our neighbors.  Additionally, helping young adults develop their thoughts, continuing to invest in my own learning and living out the greatest commandment.

She knew I had applied to teach college freshmen how to write.  I told myself that it was just a basic writing course, not rocket science, but it was enough.  I undermined myself at every chance.

Teaching adjunct was not a PhD though – a PhD meant specializing in something enough to become an expert. My fears of being one of the ivory tower types separated from a cultural discourse other than the one happening in my own brain began to surface.

I feared being alienated from my peers and my students.  There was still a little girl in me who longed to be liked even at the risk of subjugating her own voice and gifts.  I was already raising vegetables and chickens and working with students on a small scale – why risk more change?

As I marinated about the PhD over the following week, I began to think about what I wanted in this life and who I am created to be.

The space filled up by a “normal” 40-hour-a-week job, followed by “Keeping up with the Jones’” and trying to compete in matters of career, with kids, with community, and even friends just wasn’t going to work for me.

Nate and I love working in the yard, eating our own food and preserving a way of life quickly going extinct.  People come to seek out our advice and lose themselves in the fantasy world our yard has become. Our lifestyle calls people into a different kind of being and we love that about our home.  It exudes from us. The “cultural norm” is not what we want. It started making a lot of sense that I would instead desire to teach and pursue knowledge at a deeper level.  I was learning that good leaders don’t suddenly “arrive;” they are hungry to learn and grow.

It dawned on me that the excuse of being young was not enough to disqualify me any more.  I was qualified, and pursuing what I wanted in life would bring me further along the path of my journey into who I am meant to be.

The Celtic spiritual writer John O’Donohue wrote:

 “We tend to perceive difficulty as disturbance.

Ironically, difficulty can be a great friend of creativity.”

I was being given an opportunity to use my time and space creatively.  It is a privilege I still do not take lightly.

This challenge was not going to drop into my lap either. I needed to choose and fight to make my life what I wanted instead of waiting for a disturbance or being annoyed at further interruptions.

As the year wore on, I was offered two freshman writing courses and a foundational leadership course for students exploring what leadership looks like.  I went through five interviews and countless resumes.  This was not an effortless process, but I was relentless.  Additionally, I started working on another book and we grew over 100 pounds of produce in the fall. Like I said, this wasn’t easy.

Is this self-leadership?  It is always funny to me when people come to us for advice about their gardens or read my blog. It’s humorous because we would do these things anyway. It is in the core of who are to dive into intentional living, not because we want to change the world. Rather, we want to continue to change our own lives to be in line with who we are created to be.  Only then can we truly help others in this journey of life because we are not serving out of altruism; we are assisting out of authenticity.  And don’t we all wish leaders around us were more authentic?

Authenticity requires that one shows up to their whole self: their grievances, sorrows, their laughter and their joys; to their reality as much as their dreams. And once that tension is realized, one can move into the present knowing that their gift to the world is being the most honest version of themselves.

As my spiritual director said to me on that day the pendulum swung, “You are allowed to dream what you actually desire.”  Sometimes we just need prompting.

Kristin Ritzau is the author of A Beautiful Mess: A Perfectionist’s Journey Through Self-Care. When she’s not writing, teaching, learning, speaking, or sleeping, she enjoys spends time with her husband, Nate, in their garden, cooking, and taking care of their birds:  Curry, Nugget, Rosemary, Buffalo, Kung Pao, Fettuccine, and Marsala.  Keep up with her and their crazy life at www.kristinritzau.com.  

I know, you don’t normally come here expecting to learn cool french phrases. But that’s just for free, today, because I’m feeling generous. And thankful. And isn’t learning self-leadership more than a bit like learning a new language?

Back to finding the hole. Here’s an example: way back in practically pre-historic times, everyone took Bayer aspirin. It was harsh on stomach linings and had other yucchy side effects, but people still took it because it was the best thing out there. Do you remember that?

Then along came Tylenol.

Tylenol’s first ads started out talking about what we don’t like about taking aspirin- tummyaches, blurred vision, constipation, dizziness, drowsiness, heartburn, lightheadedness, sometimes even vomiting. Only after they had mentioned all the problems with aspirin did they present the alternative. And people listened; now Tylenol towers over aspirin in sales and brand recognition and loyalty.

But this is not a post about beating your enemies through exploiting their weaknesses.

It’s about redefining the holes.

It’s my belief that exercising self-leadership looks like identifying your own “holes” and actively working to fill them. Other words for holes are “weaknesses” or “blind spots”- words describing areas where we fall short. You’ve probably focused some recent New Year’s Resolutions on repairing holes that you’ve noticed over the past year or lifetime or so.

What if I told you that I don’t think those holes need as much of your effort as you think they do? At least not as much get ‘er done, grind-it-out, no-matter-what, whatever-it-takes-struggle.

What if, instead, your holes needed your acceptance? Your empathy? Your curiosity and tender compassion? What if they needed some positive attention, some welcome, possibly a bit of camaraderie or even celebration?

Don’t misunderstand me. All holes need attention, or else our lives will be like that scene in the Princess Bride where Westley and Buttercup enter the Thieves Forest and get sucked underground by the quicksand at the Fire Swamp. Blood, sweat and tears will most likely still be required even if we take this alternative route.

In fact, accepting our holes just as they are will probably be more painful than trying to fix them.

And yet, I’m convinced that in the long run, loving your holey self just as it is will turn out to be one of the most courageous choices you will ever make.

Holes. Everyone has them. Stop trying to hide or patch them. Instead, search for them as one searches for treasure in a field. And when you find them, be gentle. You may just find strength in what you thought was your weakest point.

Lead Your Life. 

If you tarry ‘till you’re better / You may never come at all

The point is that putting off something phenomenal and life-changing until you are “better” is ridiculous and crazy, especially when that something will in itself change your life. I totally resonate with the desire to improve, of course, especially at this time of the year, and I have often rationalized over-preparing myself for something by saying I’m not ready. Not ready for total freedom, when I crave control. Not ready for bliss, when I want certitude. Not ready for a journey when what I’m interested in is the destination.

Hi, I’m Michele, and I used to have practice conversations with my dates in the mirror before they picked me up.

I love the fact that I can always make a different choice. Five minutes from now, I can take a different route to get to the movie theatre and by doing that, I am opening myself up to a degree of risk that I wouldn’t have otherwise.

Or am I?

How do I know the familiar route to the movie theatre is less risky? Because I know the way, so I am more likely to proceed successfully? If that were true, people would never fall in the bathroom. (Think about it.)

I can always, always, ALWAYS choose to take a step forward, rather than backward. It may not feel that way- it may feel like if I take another step forward I will surely burst into flames, but the truth is that the choice is up to me.*

That is the classic definition of self-leadership.

From going to the movie theatre to becoming the person you are created to be, if you wait until you’re more developed or enhanced to begin, you may never arrive at your ultimate destination at all.

For me, the need to delay comes from focusing more on the immediate than the future. When I think about what it takes for me to stop the four things I’m doing simultaneously, get ready and leave the house to go to the movie, I linger and delay. I cling to the comfort and security of known surroundings.

But when I imagine the experience of the movie; the great story, the popcorn, companionship and laughing with friends, I can hardly wait. I decide I don’t actually need to change my clothes and I head for the door.

What is it for you? Moving to a new place? Applying to a new job or graduate school? Starting a new relationship or business? Having a long overdue conversation or making a decision you have been avoiding? Confessing? Joining? Asking? Committing?

As we enter 2012, remember this reality: You can choose your own path. Delaying action until you are a superior or more advanced version of yourself may in fact determine your doom.

Don’t put it off any longer. Step forward into the future that you are creating, this very minute. Embrace responsibility for your one wild and precious life. Don’t let the fear stop you. Our imagination is only limited by our experience; get some more experience and watch the fear wither. Do what it takes. I believe in you.

Do. Not. Tarry.

Make no mistake, self-leadership is hard. But it’s worth it.

Definitely better than any movie you could ever see.

Lead Your Life

*Sometimes what looks like a step forward will in fact be a step backwards, and vice versa. But that’s another post.

The interwebs already have about fitty billion blog posts about the final weeks of the year, and I’ve said all I want to say about that already. We have now moved on to Christmas vacation, which at my house, looks like making Mentos fountains, eating Gingerbread houses as fast as we can make them, and watching this video over and over again.

If you’re looking for a New Year’s Resolution, I can’t think of many that are better than being more like this guy in 2012.

Wherever you are and whatever you do for the holidays, may you do it like you’re living on a prayer.

Because in the end, aren’t we all?

Lead Your Life. 

I’m loving all the updates on stuff you’ve done to make the most of the time you have left in 2011. Way to get busy. Deadlines always make me hustle, too.

I was thinking this week about how it feels to know that you need to act on commitments you have previously just been thinking about, for a long time even. This was prompted while watching yet another football game at our house on Sunday afternoon, and because it’s the holidays there are now commercials showing guys proposing to women where before there were mostly beer and car commercials. Why Thanksgiving and Christmas equal engagements, I have no idea, but there it is.

So a commercial comes on, and we watch this woman finish hiking something like Mount Everest and then pulls off her gloves to celebrate, only to encounter her adoring boyfriend kneeling in the snow, presenting her with a rock the size of a snowball. I remember what a pressure-filled time dating and engagement was for me, and how high the stakes felt in deciding to commit myself to this one person for the rest of my life. I think about how many people feel burdened by expectations of success and accomplishment- “I want to make this much money by the time I’m this old”, “I want to own a house by the time I’m 30,” “I want to have kids by the time I’m 35,” etc. As my younger son dances and sings along to “Every kiss begins with Kay,” I ask myself.

What if there are resolutions we shouldn’t accomplish?

What if there are really good reasons why we never made that call, sent that e-mail, took that risk?

What if that conversation we’ve been waiting to have for months or even years really didn’t need to happen? What if it only made things worse?

Are there ever times when the wiser thing to do is to NOT do what you’ve committed to do?

And is there a way to know that BEFORE we move forward?

Because I would have paid good money if someone could have told me 20 years ago that having my bridesmaids wear pantsuits was going to be a decision I would regret.

Then I saw this TED talk by Kathryn Shulz, about regret. And it made perfect sense. Although I am not part of the 17% of the population who regrets getting my tattoo, I definitely needed to hear that some of my own regrets are not as ugly as I think they are.

Even if they are eggplant-colored pantsuits.

Click HERE (or on the image above) to watch the talk.

May this inform what you decide to do – or, perhaps more importantly, NOT do – in the remaining weeks of 2011. And remember, please remember- you can do better.

Lead Your Life.

30 more days to lost that weight, write that book, have that conversation, take that risk.

30 days to get it done.

How does that feel? Piece of cake? You already did it? Back in June, or even March?

I didn’t think so.

Exercising self leadership means making new decisions about our lives. These new actions will feel awkward, clumsy, scary, risky, unsafe. Sometimes they may even seem counter-intuitive. While it’s not a good idea to let discomfort stop us from doing what we know we need to do, we also don’t want to do anything dangerous or rash.

For example, if sky-diving was one of your resolutions, I’m going to go ahead and tell you to forget about it. Give yourself a pass on that one for oh, the next 150 years.

30 days left means it is time to act. The realizations you had that led to whatever resolutions you made are not merely interesting food for thought. The time is now to show yourself that you do indeed have more options for yourself than you believe you do. Once you do something differently and the world doesn’t end- which it never does- you begin to see the price you’ve been paying to let others lead your life for you. Once you take an action that challenges what you have always accepted instead of supporting it, you realize how much freedom you gain and how much more is possible for you. The energy that you have spent trying to deal with everyone else’s choices can now be spent leading your own life.

It’s called Burning The Ships.

When striving towards a goal, you must focus on what you want to obtain and avoid the impulse to go back to what you know is comfortable.

I know, easier said than done, right? That’s why you “Burn The Ships.”

When Spanish Conquistador Hernando Cortez landed in Mexico, one of his first orders to his men was to burn the ships they arrived on.  

Why?

Because he was so committed to his mission that he did not want to allow himself or his men the luxury of entertaining the idea of a possible option of return to Spain for even a moment.  

Holy hardcore, Batman.

Okay, yes, eliminating an escape route would probably increase my commitment to the success of whatever is in front of me. But beware the all-or-nothing mindset- Cortez had his men burn ships, not food and supplies. Not letting yourself take the easy way out is totally different from being categorically foolish. Reaching your goals does require planning and forethought, and there is no magic formula that says the more impulsive you are or the more risks you take, the more successful you will be. In fact, the opposite is often true.

Quitting your job with no safety net might sound like a good way to force yourself to focus on making sure that the new company you’re starting at your kitchen table really takes off, but it might also be a fast way to losing your house and car (and kitchen table) if you don’t have resources to carry you through a transition of ambiguous length. Filling up your savings account balance or getting a “journey job” (a stepping stone or position you know you won’t have forever but will help pay the bills) can help bridge the gap.

Author Sun Tzu notes in his classic “The Art of War”  that soldiers fight the hardest when they believe their very lives are at stake. This means that when you are fighting someone else, you want them to believe that they have an escape route, so they won’t fight as hard. They will be lulled into complacency by a false sense of security, rather than inspired by urgency and danger. Then you, having the advantage, can win. 

What escape routes are you keeping open for yourself, that cause you to not fight as hard for what you want?  What do you need to do in order to close those routes in the next 30 days? What would you do if you had 3 days, and no excuses? How about you go do that. Right now.

Lead Your Life.

My last post- that I wrote, myself,- was June 15. Almost 6 months ago.

I have loved each and every guest post that I’ve run since I’ve been here in person. I have such great, smart, witty, and wise friends (and former clients), who are so gracious to agree to tell their own stories of self-leadership. And yes, I have been writing and working on some stuff on my own while watching from the sidelines a bit.

There will be some changes to The MOXY Project in 2012, and that’s what this post is about. So if you come here every week to read, hopefully be inspired, and then go about your merry way, you may want to peace out right now and come back next week. But if you consider yourself a part of this “tribe;” if you care about what happens and feel connected to others who are on their journeys of self-leadership as we describe here, then please read on.

Numero Uno: First, regarding the blog, instead of running straight guests posts for a few months twice a year, I’m going to introduce a new series, called ‘Once Upon A Time – Self-Leadership Is Not A Fairy Tale.” Once a month, there will be a guest post from someone about a time in their life when they exercised self-leadership, and the point will be that these are case studies that we can look to and be encouraged in our own journeys. I’m totes excited about the people I have lined up for that. Please be sure to let me know what you think when I put them up.

Second: We’re also going to make a few minor changes to the TMP site itself, like collapsing the coaching tabs, adding a “Speaking” tab, some more recent “Stories,” and a Paypal option so people can buy the e-book easily as well as other materials that will be coming out in 2012. So right now (just for review), the e-book is free, after you reply to two e-mails. It gets sent to you via e-mail and you can download it and print it out all pretty and formatted. Starting next year, it will cost you $9.95 to do that.

Three: Also starting in 2012, I won’t be taking on any more long-distance coaching clients. This doesn’t mean that you can only hire me if you live in Santa Barbara. It means that if you want to hire me, you’ll have to drive to Santa Barbara to meet with me- or to someplace close to a Target so I’ll want to come meet you there.

I know. Can you believe we don’t have a Target? For. Reals.

It took me a while to make this decision, but I have no doubt it’s the right one. It takes quite a bit more energy to work with a client over the phone, or even Skype, than it does to sit down face-to-face. And, I’ve realized I’m much more effective, and the client has a much better experience, when the coaching is in person. Of course, there are exceptions to every rule, but in general I think this change is better for me and my clients.

And, finally. I’ve missed you. I want you to know I’ve thought of you, often. Especially when I heard a great self-leadership quote or story, or when I read something that I thought you would love. I can hardly wait to share all of those things- and more- with you over the coming months. I also am looking forward to hearing more from you about how things are going and what you’re working on in your own journey. I just plain dig you.

That’s most of the major changes we’re planning at this point. I know change is hard, but these have been “in process” for a while, and most of this stuff is actually coming about due to requests from many of you for things that would help you out even more.

Of course, let me know if you have any questions – or other ideas! – for things that you’d like to see or learn in 2012. My whole goal is to help you help yourselves. I’m happy to be back with you on a regular basis and I’m excited for what’s ahead for us. See you soon!

Lead Your Life.

A little over a year ago, April 2010 to be exact, I moved back to my hometown of Lakeport, California. Never heard of it? Neither have most people. In fact, the population is so small (just over 5,000 people) that I was dreading the move the moment I gave 30 days notice on my studio apartment in the city. Just the thought of waking up with a nice shvitz already gracing my skin from the summer heat had me crying my eyes out just days before I was supposed to move.

You’re probably wondering why in the world a city dweller would uproot her entire life and move back to a dusty ranch she wasn’t crazy about. Every time I looked at my useless collection of stiletto shoes post move, I wondered the same thing. Was my monotonous life in the city really all that bad? Was this really all my idea?

The answer to those questions is yes. It was that bad and it was my idea. I remember waking up day after day unhappy and it was time to make a change. My life had taken a dirty turn from exciting to dull. I was repeating the same boring life and my photography business had become painfully unappealing. The American Dream had gotten the best of me, convincing me to fit the cookie cutter mold of that illusive vision. And in the process, I lost myself.

For years I dreamed of traveling the world and teaching photography. But years of struggling to match up to others’ expectations, or seeking the approval of people I admired, had taken a toll on my identity. I had sacrificed parts of my personality and never let my true self be known to anyone in fear that the real me wasn’t good enough. After the move, I still felt a key piece of my life was missing. I couldn’t quite put my finger on the problem, but I knew in my heart that I had let go of something that I needed back.

By the time October rolled around I was settled in a free wheeling life of adventure on the road. When I wasn’t traveling I was working from my office; a 20-minute drive from the ranch. It was during the commute one day that two little words illuminated and overrode my thoughts like a cheap camera flash: Be fierce! It felt like someone had shouted it to me through a megaphone. That statement, that revelation, couldn’t be ignored and darn near made me swerve off the road!

BE FIERCE!

Fierce was not a word in my vocabulary at that point. And with the exception of flamboyant competitors from Project Runway, I never heard anyone use that word. I certainly never heard anyone say it of me.

As soon as I reached my office I looked up the definition of fierce. It means this: a showing of heartfelt and powerful intensity. I had found my missing piece and it only took me moving out of town, months of traveling and soul searching to find it! Heh. I had lost my passion for being me. For someone who is known for having a big personality this came as quite a shock, but the voice in my head was right.

I was in the bad habit of approaching almost every situation in total timidity. I checked my honesty and personality at the doorway of every opportunity and then ended up scratching my head when things consistently didn’t pan out.

At first I was terrified at the thought of being fierce. Fierceness of identity meant being honest with everyone I knew, and scariest of all, honest with myself. I forged ahead, anyway, starting with my business. I rebranded and exposed my real personality to the photo world. And in short order, my business went from a flatlining blip on the radar to a full throttle pulse of awesomeness! I felt like Sally Field on Oscar night, “You like me, right now, you like me!”

Inspired by the love for Business Tara, I started to voice words I had always wanted to say. I was honest in all my relationships and found the ones that didn’t want to stick around for the real me weren’t worth being involved with anyway. Not to mention, the closeness I found with my family has made me smile every day I’m alive. (I know, I know. Cue the cheesy music!)

As of this year, my quarter-life crisis, as I like to call it, has come to an end. And I find myself living in the city again, but this time a changed girl, a better girl. Instead of trying desperately to fit the standard of what all females should be or what all the “cool” photographers are doing, I am taking charge of my life with all the fierceness I possess. Today I am leading my life.

Lead Your Life.

Tara Jones is a witty world traveling photographer, teacher and foodie (aka self-proclaimed wine snob) who spends most of her time in Santa Barbara. She is currently looking to finagle her way into a house swap in Italy, because life is too short to live it all in one place. To find out way more than you ever wanted to know about Tara, check out her blog at fpshootspeople.com or follow her on twitter @_tarajones.

Self leadership is a lot more like my life as a runner than I realized.  Until yesterday.

I started running seriously the summer before my freshman year of high school.

That was 13 years ago.

I signed up because Cheryl, the assistant coach and a woman who attended my church told me “if you run, you can eat anything you want whenever you want.”  That was enough for me.  What I didn’t know then was that I would actually have to learn how to be a runner.  Sure, I could run.  But being a runner is an entirely new way of life.  You have to eat right, stretch correctly, warm up properly, do strength training and learn correct form, how to pace yourself and how to overcome the mental block that creeps in on every run.

Despite what some may say about running not being a sport, it is hard.

You’re often out on the course by yourself.  Some days the weather is perfect, your body feels good and you could run forever.  Other days, the heat is debilitating or your legs feel like bricks and all you want to do is stop.

No matter the day, our coaches were always pushing us to hit our stride: that is, our sweet spot; the pace we could run at forever, no matter the conditions.

Self leadership is a lot like running in that regard.

There are seasons in which we feel invincible.  We think we can conquer the world, and so many people often do.  But what about those seasons when we aren’t at the top?  What about the times when all we want to do is stop because the weight we are bearing is too much for one person?  What about the days and moments when all we really need or want is a small push from behind from a fellow runner, whispering, “keep going” through their stifled breaths?

It’s during these times in life – the times when we feel that we can no longer take another step – when we find out if we have what it takes to lead ourselves. Don’t get me wrong: I don’t promote self-leadership as purely happening on your own.  On the days I could not bear the thought of taking another step on a long hard run for cross country training, one of my teammates would literally push me from behind and tell me to keep going.  And I’d do the same for them.  But we still had to make the decision to actually follow through and hit our stride so our teammates didn’t have to push us the entire run.

Most recently, I haven’t felt much like a runner.  As it turns out, to call yourself a runner, you actually have to put your shoes on, lace up and move.  My life has been full (and at times, a whirlwind) in the last 5 years: I finished a teaching credential and Master’s, taught 5^th and 6^th grade at a private school then moved to teach 4^th grade at a bilingual charter school in Santa Barbara, and finally, this summer I gave up that job I tried so hard to get just to move home to be nearer to my family.

And today as I laced up my running shoes for the first time in a few weeks (yes, weeks), this idea of leading myself hit me.  The reason I was willing to give up something I had worked years for, to leave a place which quite frankly, is the most beautiful place I’ll ever live and that I’ve called home the last 9 years:  I had been running, with some of the best teammates at my side, but I still hadn’t hit my stride.

These past 5 years have been just like learning how to become a runner.  I had to get my own experience – away from those that I know and love – and who know and love me the most.  I had to stretch myself mentally, emotionally, and often times, financially.  I had to strength train in independence.  I had to figure out my stride with dear friends pushing me from behind far too often.

After a few years of feeling on top of the world, and receiving the small whispers of “keep going” from friends, I resigned from my job, and moved back home, unsure of a myriad of things.  How long will I have to live with my parents as an independent adult?  Will I get to continue to teach?  If I don’t get a job, what in the world am I going to do with my time?  And then, a couple short weeks after I moved, I was blessed with a job offer at a local charter school teaching 5^th grade in a dual-immersion class.  I worked all summer getting my room prepared and spending all of my money on school supplies.  I had friends and family come in to help.  And I hit the ground running four weeks ago at my new school.

I’ve hit my stride.  My life isn’t perfect and I don’t expect it to be.  The future still presents multiple uncertainties.  But, I know how to teach.  In fact, I know how to teach in two languages.  More importantly, I know that no matter what the course brings, I am where I am and doing what I do because I took the time to train properly. I asked for a push now and then.  But I made the decision to move.  And here, at home, where I’ve always felt most myself, I have hit my stride.

So, go where you need to go.  Be the person you need to be.  Lace up your shoes, get outside and lead your life.

Hilary Dmitruk teaches 5th grade at a charter school in downtown Santa Ana. Teaching has taught Hilary to be more flexible, consistent, to celebrate failure and to continue learning. She loves children, being outside, running, giraffes, black coffee & no-water soy chai tea lattes, traveling and other languages. Most of all, she loves her family and her friends who know her heart sometimes better than she does and who encourage her to continue to lead her life.