On a walk this past week, clearing my head from all the eating and shopping and talking and football-game watching, one of my favorite hymns came on my shuffle. My favorite line says:

If you tarry ‘till you’re better / You may never come at all

The point is that putting off something phenomenal and life-changing until you are “better” is ridiculous and crazy, especially when that something will in itself change your life. I totally resonate with the desire to improve, of course, especially at this time of the year, and I have often rationalized over-preparing myself for something by saying I’m not ready. Not ready for total freedom, when I crave control. Not ready for bliss, when I want certitude. Not ready for a journey when what I’m interested in is the destination.

Hi, I’m Michele, and I used to have practice conversations with my dates in the mirror before they picked me up.

I love the fact that I can always make a different choice. Five minutes from now, I can take a different route to get to the movie theatre and by doing that, I am opening myself up to a degree of risk that I wouldn’t have otherwise.

Or am I?

How do I know the familiar route to the movie theatre is less risky? Because I know the way, so I am more likely to proceed successfully? If that were true, people would never fall in the bathroom. (Think about it.)

I can always, always, ALWAYS choose to take a step forward, rather than backward. It may not feel that way- it may feel like if I take another step forward I will surely burst into flames, but the truth is that the choice is up to me.*

That is the classic definition of self-leadership.

From going to the movie theatre to becoming the person you are created to be, if you wait until you’re more developed or enhanced to begin, you may never arrive at your ultimate destination at all.

For me, the need to delay comes from focusing more on the immediate than the future. When I think about what it takes for me to stop the four things I’m doing simultaneously, get ready and leave the house to go to the movie, I linger and delay. I cling to the comfort and security of known surroundings.

But when I imagine the experience of the movie; the great story, the popcorn, companionship and laughing with friends, I can hardly wait. I decide I don’t actually need to change my clothes and I head for the door.

What is it for you? Moving to a new place? Applying to a new job or graduate school? Starting a new relationship or business? Having a long overdue conversation or making a decision you have been avoiding? Confessing? Joining? Asking? Committing?

As we enter 2012, remember this reality: You can choose your own path. Delaying action until you are a superior or more advanced version of yourself may in fact determine your doom.

Don’t put it off any longer. Step forward into the future that you are creating, this very minute. Embrace responsibility for your one wild and precious life. Don’t let the fear stop you. Our imagination is only limited by our experience; get some more experience and watch the fear wither. Do what it takes. I believe in you.

Do. Not. Tarry.

Make no mistake, self-leadership is hard. But it’s worth it.

Definitely better than any movie you could ever see.

Lead Your Life

*Sometimes what looks like a step forward will in fact be a step backwards, and vice versa. But that’s another post.

I’m loving all the updates on stuff you’ve done to make the most of the time you have left in 2011. Way to get busy. Deadlines always make me hustle, too.

I was thinking this week about how it feels to know that you need to act on commitments you have previously just been thinking about, for a long time even. This was prompted while watching yet another football game at our house on Sunday afternoon, and because it’s the holidays there are now commercials showing guys proposing to women where before there were mostly beer and car commercials. Why Thanksgiving and Christmas equal engagements, I have no idea, but there it is.

So a commercial comes on, and we watch this woman finish hiking something like Mount Everest and then pulls off her gloves to celebrate, only to encounter her adoring boyfriend kneeling in the snow, presenting her with a rock the size of a snowball. I remember what a pressure-filled time dating and engagement was for me, and how high the stakes felt in deciding to commit myself to this one person for the rest of my life. I think about how many people feel burdened by expectations of success and accomplishment- “I want to make this much money by the time I’m this old”, “I want to own a house by the time I’m 30,” “I want to have kids by the time I’m 35,” etc. As my younger son dances and sings along to “Every kiss begins with Kay,” I ask myself.

What if there are resolutions we shouldn’t accomplish?

What if there are really good reasons why we never made that call, sent that e-mail, took that risk?

What if that conversation we’ve been waiting to have for months or even years really didn’t need to happen? What if it only made things worse?

Are there ever times when the wiser thing to do is to NOT do what you’ve committed to do?

And is there a way to know that BEFORE we move forward?

Because I would have paid good money if someone could have told me 20 years ago that having my bridesmaids wear pantsuits was going to be a decision I would regret.

Then I saw this TED talk by Kathryn Shulz, about regret. And it made perfect sense. Although I am not part of the 17% of the population who regrets getting my tattoo, I definitely needed to hear that some of my own regrets are not as ugly as I think they are.

Even if they are eggplant-colored pantsuits.

Click HERE (or on the image above) to watch the talk.

May this inform what you decide to do – or, perhaps more importantly, NOT do – in the remaining weeks of 2011. And remember, please remember- you can do better.

Lead Your Life.

Yes, it’s me. Just me. No guest poster, no link to a YouTube video, no distractions.

My last post- that I wrote, myself,- was June 15. Almost 6 months ago.

I have loved each and every guest post that I’ve run since I’ve been here in person. I have such great, smart, witty, and wise friends (and former clients), who are so gracious to agree to tell their own stories of self-leadership. And yes, I have been writing and working on some stuff on my own while watching from the sidelines a bit.

There will be some changes to The MOXY Project in 2012, and that’s what this post is about. So if you come here every week to read, hopefully be inspired, and then go about your merry way, you may want to peace out right now and come back next week. But if you consider yourself a part of this “tribe;” if you care about what happens and feel connected to others who are on their journeys of self-leadership as we describe here, then please read on.

Numero Uno: First, regarding the blog, instead of running straight guests posts for a few months twice a year, I’m going to introduce a new series, called ‘Once Upon A Time – Self-Leadership Is Not A Fairy Tale.” Once a month, there will be a guest post from someone about a time in their life when they exercised self-leadership, and the point will be that these are case studies that we can look to and be encouraged in our own journeys. I’m totes excited about the people I have lined up for that. Please be sure to let me know what you think when I put them up.

Second: We’re also going to make a few minor changes to the TMP site itself, like collapsing the coaching tabs, adding a “Speaking” tab, some more recent “Stories,” and a Paypal option so people can buy the e-book easily as well as other materials that will be coming out in 2012. So right now (just for review), the e-book is free, after you reply to two e-mails. It gets sent to you via e-mail and you can download it and print it out all pretty and formatted. Starting next year, it will cost you $9.95 to do that.

Three: Also starting in 2012, I won’t be taking on any more long-distance coaching clients. This doesn’t mean that you can only hire me if you live in Santa Barbara. It means that if you want to hire me, you’ll have to drive to Santa Barbara to meet with me- or to someplace close to a Target so I’ll want to come meet you there.

I know. Can you believe we don’t have a Target? For. Reals.

It took me a while to make this decision, but I have no doubt it’s the right one. It takes quite a bit more energy to work with a client over the phone, or even Skype, than it does to sit down face-to-face. And, I’ve realized I’m much more effective, and the client has a much better experience, when the coaching is in person. Of course, there are exceptions to every rule, but in general I think this change is better for me and my clients.

And, finally. I’ve missed you. I want you to know I’ve thought of you, often. Especially when I heard a great self-leadership quote or story, or when I read something that I thought you would love. I can hardly wait to share all of those things- and more- with you over the coming months. I also am looking forward to hearing more from you about how things are going and what you’re working on in your own journey. I just plain dig you.

That’s most of the major changes we’re planning at this point. I know change is hard, but these have been “in process” for a while, and most of this stuff is actually coming about due to requests from many of you for things that would help you out even more.

Of course, let me know if you have any questions – or other ideas! – for things that you’d like to see or learn in 2012. My whole goal is to help you help yourselves. I’m happy to be back with you on a regular basis and I’m excited for what’s ahead for us. See you soon!

Lead Your Life.

My friend Hilary Dmitruk has a really small mouth. Ask her; she’ll show you the minimal circumference. Also, we tested its smallness through multiple games of “Toss the peanut M&M” when she was a college student and I her advisor. Since then, Hilary has learned to use her mouth- and her voice- to speak hope and encouragement in a few different languages. Her guest post this week is some of that for you.

Self leadership is a lot more like my life as a runner than I realized.  Until yesterday.

I started running seriously the summer before my freshman year of high school.

That was 13 years ago.

I signed up because Cheryl, the assistant coach and a woman who attended my church told me “if you run, you can eat anything you want whenever you want.”  That was enough for me.  What I didn’t know then was that I would actually have to learn how to be a runner.  Sure, I could run.  But being a runner is an entirely new way of life.  You have to eat right, stretch correctly, warm up properly, do strength training and learn correct form, how to pace yourself and how to overcome the mental block that creeps in on every run.

Despite what some may say about running not being a sport, it is hard.

You’re often out on the course by yourself.  Some days the weather is perfect, your body feels good and you could run forever.  Other days, the heat is debilitating or your legs feel like bricks and all you want to do is stop.

No matter the day, our coaches were always pushing us to hit our stride: that is, our sweet spot; the pace we could run at forever, no matter the conditions.

Self leadership is a lot like running in that regard.

There are seasons in which we feel invincible.  We think we can conquer the world, and so many people often do.  But what about those seasons when we aren’t at the top?  What about the times when all we want to do is stop because the weight we are bearing is too much for one person?  What about the days and moments when all we really need or want is a small push from behind from a fellow runner, whispering, “keep going” through their stifled breaths?

It’s during these times in life – the times when we feel that we can no longer take another step – when we find out if we have what it takes to lead ourselves. Don’t get me wrong: I don’t promote self-leadership as purely happening on your own.  On the days I could not bear the thought of taking another step on a long hard run for cross country training, one of my teammates would literally push me from behind and tell me to keep going.  And I’d do the same for them.  But we still had to make the decision to actually follow through and hit our stride so our teammates didn’t have to push us the entire run.

Most recently, I haven’t felt much like a runner.  As it turns out, to call yourself a runner, you actually have to put your shoes on, lace up and move.  My life has been full (and at times, a whirlwind) in the last 5 years: I finished a teaching credential and Master’s, taught 5^th and 6^th grade at a private school then moved to teach 4^th grade at a bilingual charter school in Santa Barbara, and finally, this summer I gave up that job I tried so hard to get just to move home to be nearer to my family.

And today as I laced up my running shoes for the first time in a few weeks (yes, weeks), this idea of leading myself hit me.  The reason I was willing to give up something I had worked years for, to leave a place which quite frankly, is the most beautiful place I’ll ever live and that I’ve called home the last 9 years:  I had been running, with some of the best teammates at my side, but I still hadn’t hit my stride.

These past 5 years have been just like learning how to become a runner.  I had to get my own experience – away from those that I know and love – and who know and love me the most.  I had to stretch myself mentally, emotionally, and often times, financially.  I had to strength train in independence.  I had to figure out my stride with dear friends pushing me from behind far too often.

After a few years of feeling on top of the world, and receiving the small whispers of “keep going” from friends, I resigned from my job, and moved back home, unsure of a myriad of things.  How long will I have to live with my parents as an independent adult?  Will I get to continue to teach?  If I don’t get a job, what in the world am I going to do with my time?  And then, a couple short weeks after I moved, I was blessed with a job offer at a local charter school teaching 5^th grade in a dual-immersion class.  I worked all summer getting my room prepared and spending all of my money on school supplies.  I had friends and family come in to help.  And I hit the ground running four weeks ago at my new school.

I’ve hit my stride.  My life isn’t perfect and I don’t expect it to be.  The future still presents multiple uncertainties.  But, I know how to teach.  In fact, I know how to teach in two languages.  More importantly, I know that no matter what the course brings, I am where I am and doing what I do because I took the time to train properly. I asked for a push now and then.  But I made the decision to move.  And here, at home, where I’ve always felt most myself, I have hit my stride.

So, go where you need to go.  Be the person you need to be.  Lace up your shoes, get outside and lead your life.

Hilary Dmitruk teaches 5th grade at a charter school in downtown Santa Ana. Teaching has taught Hilary to be more flexible, consistent, to celebrate failure and to continue learning. She loves children, being outside, running, giraffes, black coffee & no-water soy chai tea lattes, traveling and other languages. Most of all, she loves her family and her friends who know her heart sometimes better than she does and who encourage her to continue to lead her life.

Today’s guest post is from my dear friend and butterfly, Vanessa. I’ve known Vanessa since she was a college student, and my family has loved her since she lived with us for one awesome year post-college. Vanessa is all in to whatever she does, and her ambition and zest for life never cease to amaze and exhaust me. Her path may not always be straight, but it’s always headed in the right direction.

I am one of those who Michele has asked to write about my take on “self-leadership,” or more accurately, how I have recently experienced self-leadership in my own life. So, what do you think the first thing I did was? Poured over a bunch of her latest posts, read and re-read the quotes on self-leadership she sent me, thought about times in my life that my friends have named this quality in me, consult other authors (those who are stacked on my bedside table, mostly), and spent plenty of time not really leaving the thinking to myself. Does that resonate with any of you?

It’s ironic, yet, when faced with the need to define anything for yourself, make a decision, or take action, how often do you really self-lead?

I’ll choose one of the most classic moments of a twenty-something’s life to illustrate my pock-marked road to self-leadership; a vista that I imagine many of us are familiar with.

A few years ago I got a great job. It was great for me because it offered play and laughter and silliness, but also a placement in a growing agency within a growing industry. I had the opportunity to be trained by the best in the field, who are also just wonderful people, and to make steady growth. I was promoted at my annual and again at my second annual review. It was truly a blessing and seemed even more so as many of my peers fought stagnation in their current jobs or fought to find a job in the first place.

So many of you will not understand the quarter-life-crisis that followed. I totally get that. I am a bit sickened by it myself (but let’s discuss upper-middle-class angst another time, shall we?).

At some point as I entered into my third year in my job, now as a Board Certified Assistant Behavior Analyst (yep- I got some fancy letters after my name from that baby), I had the realization that I had reached the ceiling. Given my level of education and the certification I could attain at that level, I could not promote further in my company or outside of it either, at least in the same industry. For someone who thrives on challenge and change and forward momentum, this was anxiety-provoking.

I made a hasty decision one day to take the GRE and went into it 9 days later having glossed over some remedial math, but not nearly as prepared as I should have been. That was my form of self-leadership at the time- don’t think, just act. I then spent a rainy afternoon researching graduate programs and decided that a Master of Science in Clinical Psychology would be my best bet, since I wouldn’t likely get into a Ph.D. program out of the gates. So in the following months I applied and studied my tookus off for the GRE Psychology Subject test, all the while thinking that I was just creating options for myself and I would decide later, if I even got in.

I got in. I got the envelope, opened it, read it, and then made a mad dash for my beach cruiser and went to the beach. All of the effort I had already put in did not help me come to terms with what I was doing. All of a sudden, the thought of grad school felt burdensome, like a heavy institutionalized weight that my former adventurous, hopeful entrepreneurial spirit could not handle. I’m supposed to gallivant around the world, right? I’m 25, single, financially blessed…why on earth would I commit myself to a career right now? The world is still my oyster!

Believe it or not, I did the same thing that I did with Michele’s simple (or not so simple) question about writing a blog post.  I talked to dear friends, to colleagues, to advisors. I wrote emails to friends living in exotic places and to those heading off on adventures soon enough to see if I had other viable options. It turns out I did. I still do. I played out all of the options in my mind, feeling more and more unsettled as I thought about it. In fact, with each new perspective I solicited I felt more and more conflicted.

Then something started to shift. Slowly, as I received many pieces of advice from my kindred adventurous spirits, many who begged me to get out of Dodge while I could (“there will always be school, jobs,” etc. reasoning) I began to really know what the voice of my own thoughts sounded like. I took each piece of advice into account, considered each tempting offer, prayed, really sought to grasp for the first time what the commitment of grad school would mean for me, and I made a decision.

It was not easy to separate the words of experience and wisdom from those who know me well. It was certainly not easy putting myself more fully on a career-path to the exclusion of other things. It is still not easy.

In fact, I believe that ultimately, if you make choices based on others’ opinions or the world of possibilities out there, it will only get harder.

I decided to stay, to commit, to pursue my personal best in this line of work- in the end, simply because it felt like the right thing to do. I hope it goes without saying that the other decision wouldn’t have been a wrong one. For me, however, self-leadership was making the scarier choice to root down still further and invest. I know it is self-leadership because though it feels right in many ways, it still feels like a growth pain. And those are the ones I want.

Lead your Life.

Vanessa Felts has found her niche amongst the quirky and idiosyncratic, teaching unique individuals with Autism how to play and communicate, and shaping socially adaptive behaviors to help them live the fullest lives possible. Vanessa loves beachcruising and happy hour, yoga and kombucha, paddling and worshipping the Creator, a page-turner and a glass of wine. Follow her on twitter for the occasional brief celebrations and amusing diversions of life @vfelts.